Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
