Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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