I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
