did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
