I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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