I puked a lego.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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