Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize