they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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