hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
