When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
