I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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