Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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