It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
