1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
