I could have mohawked her pubes.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
