my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
