He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
The dick lei will go down in squad history
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
