Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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