I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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