i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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