note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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