Umm I'm too high to move.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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