What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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