3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i wish my penis had a tongue
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
