made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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