its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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