Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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