I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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