and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
lol hangovers are for mortals.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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