Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
