Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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