we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize