i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
