My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
