Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
