I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
