He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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