I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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