Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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