Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
