Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
she pinky promised me she was 18
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
