I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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