I hate your face
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
