So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
