just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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