My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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