We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize