I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize