Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
This house was built for laser tag.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
