There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
