Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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