he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
