My sheets look like a crime scene.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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