Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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