She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize