I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
