Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize