Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
